Hey All,
I'm exercising for my future sidejob here,
And Mamanda thought she could make a good fashion photographer ;-) 
Make a swing pose.. and keep the tap.
Make a final pose. Waive hands. I have to confess.
I'm not a good mom. I might not give my baby a good example of being a mom.
And even worst I hurt her at many times.
Accidentally. But I knew she's hurt. And yet she never failed to forgive me.
It's my failure for not being more careful in handling her.
I'm the bad one.
I used to be a freak mom. I hate most people who handle my baby like a sack of meat.
I have never treated my baby that way.
But the clumsy thing in me, sometimes end up hurting her.
Yesterday was one HUGE failure.
I tripped over my oversized pants while holding her, and at few seconds I know I will fall badly.
I have only 2 options : Let her go OR Keep her.
If I let her go then she would fall badly to the hard floor, which I can't imagine myself for doing that. She's my baby and not some laptop bag that I could just throw away to make my arms available for covering my face from the floor.
If I keep her, I have to use my elbow to hit the floor hence my hands could save her back & head against the floor. But I have to sacrifice getting her body underneath me -- otherwise, I end up bumping head first then body.
My elbow, that's the key. I take option 2. And her legs went under my belly.
My biggest fear was that for about few seconds I could sense her legs tightened up and she began to scream. I'm scared to death that something happened with her. I save her head I knew I did. I make sure my both elbow hit the ground firstly before my arms & hands.
But I couldnt save her legs.
I'm huge, if you notice that. And I couldnt forgive myself for letting anything happen to her.
She turns out fine and I check every bruises possibly happen. Nothing. I touch her leg and try to move up and down, she's stopped crying. I guess it was fine. But I'm still looking for scan when we're down to hospital.
I've been spending hard time in the car, just figuring out why cant I move my body upside down, hence the possibility of my body hitting the floor is more as option. I think of why shouldnt I throw my self to the side hence my shoulder and head be the option. I think of anything I wish to do. But the most is I wish not to fall. to be more carefull.
I didnt wearing any highheels so that you know -- but I guess that made the pants a lot longer than it used to be...
That's the worst thing that ever happen to me being a mom -- I wish my baby forgive me when she knows it oneday.
If there's anything that I could possibly do, I would spare my life for that.
I will try to be a better Mom for you Athena.. but some parts.. I'm sorry for being a reckless mom....
