coping with changes..

Hey Baby,

one day when you grew up you will realize and start questioning why things changes.
and things changes so fast that you no longer realize that it is you who is now make a difference.
being difference is great.
people know you for something and that's good. instead, if you feel like the commoners, perhaps you need to make a stand and make your point.
never be afraid of revealing who you area and make the change.
When you never go down you will never turn up. when you dont feel sad, you would never know how it feels to be glad.
just be normal and don't be perfect.

There are times that I feel that I don't belong in everywhere -- just like one size smaller shoes. painful and hurts, and always think 'why does she gets that perfect one'
well bite this, as far as I know -- every living human being has their own problems.
so you can always cheer yourself from knowing that you are not alone :)
secondly, you always have options - to leave the room or stay, smile and just nodded.
you can try to adapt or you can choose to take a nap. remember the options area yours.
thirdly, you will never know who will be the good friend now or make the bad girls then. people changes even without you realizing how much changes you'd make within the last couple of years.

Look at the mirror and see who you really are.
ask yourself on what's the point of you're doing things.
sometimes.. your reason is much far noble than the saints themselves.
try it.

and remember one thing,
no matter how much you change - I will always love you and be there for you in heart.
no matter when, where, and for whatever reason why.

I'm sorry..

I'm so sorry Athena,
for not always being there for you,
for not always giving you my arms,
for not always cuddlying you everynight,
When I said that you are my reason of being,
Never in my mind that I blame you,
Never in my mind that I shame on you,
Never in my mind that I meant to hurt you,
But what was done in real life cant always be explained,
For you are always my reason of being,
the reason I'm living and working so hard,
the reason that I'm staying late at night,
I am to you a mum,
but you will know that I need to be
a sister,
a daughter,
and at the same time a very supportive wife.
And when I thought life was being hard on me,
I thought of your smile... and how you make my life worthwhile...
to see you smile, each and every day...
You are my reason of being, trying to be a very good person to everyone,
being a better person for everyone..
so that everyone will be nice to you,
being a better someone,
so that karma will be nice to you,
you are my only reason left to come home,
being a good daughter,
so that life ease its way to yours,
being a good sister,
so that everyone being so helpful to you,
being a good wife,
so that you will have a good life... a perfect life that I've dreamt of...
am not being a perfect mum cause I know I will dissapoint you one day,
but I will try to be there for you, as much as I could..
beyond all what people said,
Only God who knows how I feel inside..
how I live and survive each day,
just to see you smile.
and kiss you good night.


and everynight,

I'm sorry Athena... for leaving you everymorning...

Confession of a Clumsy Mom !

I have to confess.
I'm not a good mom. I might not give my baby a good example of being a mom.
And even worst I hurt her at many times.
Accidentally. But I knew she's hurt. And yet she never failed to forgive me.
It's my failure for not being more careful in handling her.
I'm the bad one.

I used to be a freak mom. I hate most people who handle my baby like a sack of meat.
I have never treated my baby that way.
But the clumsy thing in me, sometimes end up hurting her.

Yesterday was one HUGE failure.
I tripped over my oversized pants while holding her, and at few seconds I know I will fall badly.
I have only 2 options : Let her go OR Keep her.
If I let her go then she would fall badly to the hard floor, which I can't imagine myself for doing that. She's my baby and not some laptop bag that I could just throw away to make my arms available for covering my face from the floor.
If I keep her, I have to use my elbow to hit the floor hence my hands could save her back & head against the floor. But I have to sacrifice getting her body underneath me -- otherwise, I end up bumping head first then body.

My elbow, that's the key. I take option 2. And her legs went under my belly.
My biggest fear was that for about few seconds I could sense her legs tightened up and she began to scream. I'm scared to death that something happened with her. I save her head I knew I did. I make sure my both elbow hit the ground firstly before my arms & hands.
But I couldnt save her legs.
I'm huge, if you notice that. And I couldnt forgive myself for letting anything happen to her.
She turns out fine and I check every bruises possibly happen. Nothing. I touch her leg and try to move up and down, she's stopped crying. I guess it was fine. But I'm still looking for scan when we're down to hospital.
I've been spending hard time in the car, just figuring out why cant I move my body upside down, hence the possibility of my body hitting the floor is more as option. I think of why shouldnt I throw my self to the side hence my shoulder and head be the option. I think of anything I wish to do. But the most is I wish not to fall. to be more carefull.
I didnt wearing any highheels so that you know -- but I guess that made the pants a lot longer than it used to be...

That's the worst thing that ever happen to me being a mom -- I wish my baby forgive me when she knows it oneday.

If there's anything that I could possibly do, I would spare my life for that.
I will try to be a better Mom for you Athena.. but some parts.. I'm sorry for being a reckless mom....

Missing Athena...

The toughest job being working mom is to actually said goodbye to your baby every morning..
especially when she looked at you hopeful and laying her head on your shoulder.
I wish I don't need to work, and all the bills was autopaid by someone else.
I guess every mom would cherish all her times spent with her baby, where every minute is very precious... every moment adored..
And it's very painful leaving her home, handing her away.. even though you knew you're handing her for someone you trusted.
She says goodbye with smiles... some othertimes with looks full of hopes.. and in many other times by avoiding eye contact.
Manda hope you knew how I feel, as I'm missing you every second, as much as you definitely miss my embrace..

It's killing me every morning to say goodbay to thena.


Hope Thena knew that the reason I started this blog, because I cannot keep my mind away from you every minutes..
I always wanna share everything with you, I wanna see you grow...
I still remember clearly, every day ever since you were born, you were full of surprises..
Thena always do something new to Manda..
one day you were playing your eyes, another day you were learning how to pretend sleeping, and the other day you were teasing me with you rounded mouth..
everything you do is very precious to me.. that's why I haven't finished the scrapbooking, cause even when you were sleep, I prefer looking at you closely... watching what you might do.... thinking and wondering what you're dreaming of...
you're one kind of angel to my life..
you make me more than happy, you make me complete. grateful to god for every second cherished.
if one day you read this story, I just want to tell you.. I never missed loving you, and missing you...